week one

The city was an illusion. We all have this when we listen to Frank Sinatra sing New York New York and it feels like the best place to be, where it's all thrills and fireworks or finding our real selves, the best possible us. But in fact, New York is just a place where people live. Just like any other place, with small shops and pubs and buildings tall or not so tall. We have all the legends of course. We have Central Park, we have Friends and Sex and the City and all the rest but at the end of the day, and especially at the end of the day, New York is a not particularly pretty but a pretty friendly place to have a drink. Or have a run. Or I hope one day go to the opera. The city has many faces I'm sure. But right now I'm looking at one face, the Upper west side of it all. And it's surprisingly relaxed and quiet, and the people go in flip-flops and crocs and the women in shul are not Jewish Princesses at all, it's all very easy to blend into. And then you find that you're in a place where you don't actually know anybody. You want to call a friend and there's no one to call.

School is good. It makes my brain work. Just what I wanted. I'm trying to remember to say a blessing for the good fortune I have every minute possible for being able to spend a year doing nothing but learning. It is a blessing. I'm not sure where it's taking me but it must be a good place. We're all women, younger, older, reformer, frummer, but we all love it, and we love discussing it. And some of us put on tefillin in the mornings, and I guess some never pray. I'll have to locate myself somewhere on this map of feminine observance where you can pick and mix your own personal Judaism, where there are no boundaries and no one approving or disapproving. These guys profess self-expression, and they mean it. Do I buy that?

When you're in the beit midrash, you're expected not to be on your own. You have a partner. No individual study. You have to get used to this constant sharing, constant dialogue, neither the struggle nor the achievements are yours alone. You as an individual are no more. You exist in pairs. You have to learn how to learn from the other, whether she be less or more informed than you, whether you are interested in her as a person or not.
Our teacher is great. She's quaint. She has it all and knows exactly where she's taking us. She seems so fragile and yet she's so powerful. And she'll take us through Sanhedrin, through rebellious sons and death penalties and rabbis struggling to create a judicial system that prefers exemption to conviction.

In New York we get hurricanes. I know this sounds very exotic but by the time they arrive they've already lost most of their power and just bring rain. Lots of heavy heavy rain. Umbrellas won't do. You need the whole waterproof equipment, and there's no way you can get a cab when the rain begins to fall. You walk, and you get drenched. It's just water. But it gets you three times on the same day, and you're wet from head to toe, and your phone stops working as it has also got soaked. And the dollar bills in your purse. But it all dries out the next day when it's sunny and warm again.